 |
| ||||||
| ||||||
|
|
|
|
|
||
|
Judith Sherven, Ph.D. & James Sniechowski, Ph.D. www.thenewintimacy.com 
Publisher: Health CommunicationsInterviewed By: Steven Svoboda
Steven: Your first was called "The New Intimacy: Discovering the Magic at the Heart of Your Differences." What was the old intimacy?
Judith: Forty, fifty years ago men and women were expected to function according to stereotypical sex roles. That way, they could avoid the many personal differences they brought with them into their marriages, and had limited freedom to be loved for who they were.
Jim: Less than 100 years ago many marriages were still arranged. Short of that a man had to be invited by a young woman's mother or aunt to "call upon" the eligible bride-to-be and both young people had to obey strict protocol. There was very little personal freedom and little independent responsibility was called for in choosing a mate or even deciding how to create their marriage.
Steven: Well, how did you two meet? You've been married for thirteen years and together for fourteen, right?
Jim: Right. We met on a blind date. At 45, I'd been married twice before. Judith was 43 and had never married. So we always say we bring hope for almost everybody. We knew that it was conflict over differences that had always torn our previous relationships apart, so when we knew we were serious, we vowed to find ways to make our differences a blessing to our relationship, rather than a torment.
Judith: And trust us, we're very different in many ways.
Steven: So that's what your subtitle, "Discovering the Magic at the Heart of Your Differences" is all about?
Judith: Exactly. We discovered through trial and error that when we really got it that we were two very different people -- then there couldn't be a "stupid" opinion or a "wrong" way to do things -- because while it might seem that way to the other person, it was perfectly terrific for the one to whom it belonged.
Steven: But what about when there's conflict? Do you guys fight?
Jim: Absolutely, but we don't ever intend to hurt one another. That's not to say we don't - because we do. But that's not our intention. Conflict is unavoidable whenever there's two different people joining their lives together. What we teach in our book is that conflict is healthy and a spur to personal growth when it's understood as a flare shot up from within the relationship crying out that something is out of balance or needs to get attention. Too many people are unnecessarily afraid of conflict -- just because they were never taught how to fight fairly and work their way toward finding a mutually beneficial resolution. That's one of the reasons we wrote The New Intimacy.
Steven: What if one of the people isn't willing to get involved at that level? Doesn't want to grow?
Jim: Then there really can't be an intimate relationship, because that person isn't willing to bring his or her inner self to the partnership. These people are usually caught up in fantasy that "you shouldn't have to work at it" or "it should just happen if you're with the right person" or they are in denial about their own history and the personal limitations and emotional baggage they brought into the relationship.
Steven: I sure wish I'd read your book when I was younger, it sounds like it would have saved me a lot of disappointment and heartbreak.
Judith: We agree. That's why our political agenda is to get basic relationship skills taught in the schools at least by junior high. Kids need to have permission to, and learn how to, speak directly and honestly, as well as actively listen to the other person -- with curiosity since the other person is unique and different. Conflict resolution skills are essential as are a respect for gender differences. After all boys and girls are raised in very different cultures. Effective dating and successful marriage would then be a by-product of receiving this kind of training.
Steven: So what you're saying is that, with proper preparation, young people could make better use of dating?
Jim: Yes, exactly, that's why our book is for singles and couples. Properly understood, dating is a chance to practice being emotionally and interpersonally intimate while all the time growing and developing self-awareness and a stronger sense of self.
Steven: I want to get back to conflict. You make it sound so sane and easy, but it's usually so threatening and difficult when two people who love each other clash.
Judith: Typically, most people think of conflict as a win/lose proposition. But what we're teaching in the book is that healthy conflict is transformative of both the relationship and each of the people's lives or identity. You can't grow healthy, robust crops without tilling the soil, rotating the crops and adding good compost or fertilizer -- that's the spiritual role of healthy conflict in our love relationships.
Steven: That reminds me of your term "serial monogamy with the same person" in the final chapter of your book.
Jim: Right. When people understand that love is a powerful change agent, then they can reinvent their relationships several times during their years together -- in effect having several different emotional, geographical, sexual, spiritual and familial orientations with the same person. It never gets boring, both people keep growing and they have the possibility to continually deepen their intimacy and discover new and more romantic ways to appreciate each other. For example, last night we were in a drug store and Judith found a snack she'd never seen before, and she called out."wow, potato flyers!" and she was just so cute and I fell in love with her all over again and enjoyed the moment all evening long.
Steven: Have you started work on your next book?
Judith: Yes, we're almost finished with our next book, on romantic relationships of course, which will be out in the fall of 2001. It will be published by Renaissance Books and will also come out in audio book. Those who've read the manuscript say they've never read anything like it and that it freed them from the fear of failing and opened them to an intimacy they hadn't before imagined.
Steven: This has been great fun. What one thing would you like the reader to know?
Jim: Remember that the other person is not you.
Judith: Sincere curiosity is one of the best aphrodisiacs there is.
Steven: And readers can contact you through your website at www.thenewintimacy.com and subscribe to your FREE weekly email newsletter, "The New Intimacy," by sending an email to TheNewIntimacy-on@mail-list.com
Judith, a Clinical Psychologist, has worked with thousands of men and women in her twenty-two years of private practice. Jim holds a doctorate in Human Behavior and is the founder of The Menswork Center and co-founder of The Men's Health Network in Washington, D.C.
Judith & Jim have worked with over 100,000 singles and couples in their relationship trainings, workshops, seminars and lectures as well as corporate consultation, nationally and overseas. They can be heard M-F 4-5 PM (ET) and Saturdays 9-Noon (ET) on their call-in talk radio show, "The New Intimacytm with Judith & Jim," available on Wisdom Radio via the web at www.wisdomradio.com.
Comfortable in all areas of the media, Judith & Jim have appeared on over 500 television and talk-radio shows including Oprah, The View, New Attitudes, CNN, 48 Hours, MSNBC News with Brian Williams, Mars & Venus, The O'Reilly Factor, Leeza and This Evening with Judith Regan.
They have written for or been interviewed by the Los Angeles Times, USA Today, Chicago Tribune, San Francisco Chronicle, London Sunday Times, Wall Street Journal, Redbook, Essence, Glamour, First For Women, Black Elegance, Playboy, Modern Bride, Parents' Magazine, Black Men, Belle and Family Circle. They write regular columns for Today's Black Woman and The Looking Glass.
More than their extensive professional background, Judith & Jim bring a personal, down-to-earth approach to their work. They live in a 200 year-old farm house on two acres with a pond in Windham, NY and have been married for twelve years. It's Judith's first and Jim's third. They bring hope for almost everybody!
| ||||
| ||||
